Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Italians are known for their sense of style...

A crazy thing happened at our house Sunday night. After a rousing fireworks display from 11-1130pm for God (and Italians) only knows why, we woke up to an exploded bottle of red Marzemino fizzante wine all over my kitchen.

Honestly, the joint looked like a crime scene. There was sticky dark red wine everywhere. EVERYWHERE. And even though we found the cork and plastic wrapper from the top of the bottle clear across the room behind the trash cans (yes, we have several because the Italians recycle everything, including the food off your plate--you seriously have to carry it down the road to the humido trash can for pick up), we could NOT find the bottle. After serious accusations of hidden nighttime drinking and alcoholism was placed on every member of the family, including the dog, we finally found it wedged between the wine rack and wall of the fireplace.

Apparently, when the cork blew, the wine went in one direction, all over the wall, the printer, the fridge, the calendar, etc, and the bottle shot in the other. Strangely enough, IT DID NOT BREAK! The worst part of the story, besides the obvious loss of a good bottle of Villa Sceriman Marzemino, is that Italian paint and wine do not mix well. All Italian paint is water based--meaning you cannot clean it. Even a wet finger on the wall results in paint coming off. It's the craziest thing.

The walls in our house are painted this tanish yellowish color and so red wine mixed with tanish yellowish paint makes for horribly gray blood spatter wine splatter. Everywhere. As soon as I saw it, I knew

1. I would have to paint it

2. It would be expensive

3. Life was about to get real interesting here at Via Fontanelle.

To quote that infamous youtube lady, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

If you have no idea what the heck I'm talking about, click HERE

So off to Leroy Merlin, Delilah and I went. Leroy Merlin is Italy's version of Lowes. I don't actually think it's even really Italian in origin, but we have one in Vicenza, so to me, it's Italian. LM is the only place in Italy where I actually forget I'm IN Italy. When you walk through those big, clean, sliding glass doors, it's like coming home again...not that I actually spent a lot of time at Lowes BUT ANYWAYS....the place smells like cut plywood, there are workers wearing those little vests everywhere, and the whole place screams "man's wet dream". We quickly found our way to the paint section (lie--we wondered around lost for ten minutes) while Delilah sat in the crazy Italian shopping cart (I'll explain why they are crazy in a bit), watching Backyardigans on my phone LOUDLY. 

Thankfully, two of the nicest men in Italy were eager to help us. No, seriously, they were. One had a tattoo on his face and tiny silver hoop earrings going up the entire side of both of his ears and the other guy had a mowhawk. I swear. The crazy thing is THEY BOTH SPOKE ENGLISH! It was a miracle. Mowhawk guy was able to color match the paint from a chip that I pealed off the wall behind the bookcase in the living room. I was feeling pretty good about myself! I had conquered the paint needs and still had time to kill and money to burn, so Delilah and I wondered over to the lighting section. I always love the lighting section--all those pretty light fixtures and lamps all lit up, their bright colors all twinkling and appealing. It's like home improvement store Christmas in there! THEN, we turned the corner and saw this little hot number:

Knowing no one would believe me, I whipped out my phone and took a picture. I joking thought to myself, "we'll Gosh, that's a hard decision. Which one do I go with, the deer lamp or the horse lamp?" It was at that time that Backyardigans ended. And all hell broke lose in Leroy Merlin. You see, Delilah is three and loves horses. When she saw that horsey lamp, it was like witnessing heaven to her sweet little self. She proceeded to jump up and down in the cart screaming, "I want that! I want that! I want that horsey lamp!!!" And she was SERIOUS!! Now let me tell you about the wack shopping carts in Italy. The wheels on them are magnetic so that you can take them on an escalator. This is pretty handy if the store is two stories, which Leroy Merlin is not, by the way. The wheels on the carts aren't stabilized either. This is the annoying part. What I mean is this--you know how in America when you go to Target and get a cart, you can push said cart in a straight line without struggling? Not here. It's essentially like trying to push a shopping cart on an ice rink. While wearing fleece socks. Coated in Crisco. You practically walk sideways the entire time. I have no idea why, but all Italian shopping carts are like this. So imagine one of these carts filled with paint and supplies...and a frantic three year old who is standing up, jumping and yelling that she wants that horsey light!

 Enter the sales clerk who comes up right at that moment to ask me , in rapid Italian, if we did want that light. A fast getaway was not possible, people! And did I mention that it was €71!!

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